Sadly, No 1970 Overgrown Bushes to See Here, Folks!

Sorry folks, I forgot to report on the advent of the birthing classes, which started this past Monday (10/27). Though the class is terribly boring, it's going to have its informative moments, so we just have to suck it up and keep going. The class consists of four two-hour classes, and we have one down, three to go.

Now, I know it's probably better to take care of the whole birthing class thing earlier than a MONTH before your due date, but I think this one's my fault...I didn't call and set it up until, like, 3 weeks after the doc gave us the number. It was the only opening they had left.

So upon entry to the class, I was full aware that we would be the furthest along couple there. But alas! HAR HAR! I was mistaken -- there's a couple there that's due on the 25th of November, which just so happens to be one week after the last class. When the lady told us this, I wanted to say, "Hey lady, what's the point of even showing up?! Chances are, you'll have delivered by the time the last class comes and goes...." But I decided that my situation isn't much more favorable, so I ought to take this opportunity to keep my mouth shut. So I did....

There are a variety of couples in there, a few that deserve to be shared:

• There's US, the darling young 20-somethings, expecting their first child, and absolutely beaming about it. Aren't they cute?
• The couple in front of us looks about the same age, they're expecting a girl on December 25th (Christmas baby, eh? That SUCKS! Take it from me, I've been an Xmas baby for 25 years now....it never gets better). She hasn't had many symptoms at all, and he gets frustrated when she puts his hand on her belly to feel the baby moving, and then it stops upon placement. She's concerned he'll get in a wreck driving her from Copperas Cove to Scott & White because he's a horrible driver.
• The couple in front of them is comprised of two women. Of course, when we walk in and see these two women, we assume they're either a) a prego, and her very supportive friend because the *hole that knocked her up left her high-and-dry, or b) lesbians. Well the teacher got the 411 during roll call in front of ALL of us (poor thing...but I'm glad she did because inquiring minds were DYING to know the scoop!)...and turns out the prego's husband is in Iraq and has scheduled his R&R for the period in which she's expected to deliver. The other lady is simply her supportive friend, so that makes assumption a) about 87% true: we have a prego, the supportive friend...the high-and-dry part...only the guy isn't an *hole (presumably), and it's not his fault he's in Iraq. I'm not sure who to blame on this one, so I'll leave that one up to all you political cynics out there. You know who you are. Anyway, THIS particular couple was the one that showed up to class with her armloads of pillows, fully prepared to get on the floor and do her deliberate breathing exercises... She was THAT lady at the class....
• The folks in front of those broads were also a military couple, perhaps early 30s. This is her first, and his 3rd. She's relieved that he's been to this rodeo a few times, as he's not nervous about the whole deal, and therefore, her nervous feelings have been lessened as well. They're boring.
• The couple next to them are the ones that are, literally, due any second. This is her 2nd baby, but her first one was born prematurely and had some difficulties, so she thought it'd be better to come to the class this go-round. She did all the talking. He just sat there and nodded in assent, and they probably already had their baby. I wouldn't expect to see them at the next class.... ;)
• The last couple is visibly older than the rest of us spring chickens, and they're relatively quiet. They're the couple in the room that, you can tell, is about to burst in utter excitement, as this is their firstborn -- and they shared that they've endured two very difficult miscarriages. I happen to be close to a few couples that have experienced difficulties in conceiving their own children -- my own parents come to mind first -- and it breaks my heart to know they have tried so hard to conceive, and only some truly succeed. I'm so excited for this couple in particular, because I can tell they're just ITCHING to meet their little baby...against all odds.
• The last lady came to class by herself, as her husband was in the field that night and couldn't make it. That bastard. Nah, I'm just kidding, but I felt bad for this particular lady because she got to be the guinea pig when the teacher decided to give us any visual presentations....so I doubt we'll see this one again either, unless her husband's able to make it with her...can't really blame her, can you?

So that brings us to the actual CLASS. Again, we didn't really learn anything that was of particular import, or that was particularly EARTH-SHATTERING. I warned Raymond that we'd probably see the video that we all had to watch back in sex-ed...and we all know what video THAT is: the famously graphic birthing video. A certain quote comes to mind, that I got from Jenny McCarthy's Belly Laughs (a must read for expectant moms -- she's a HOOT!). She says, "Can someone please tell me why all of these birthing tapes show a woman giving birth with a circa 1970 overgrown bush?!" Y'all ALL know she's right!!! Alas, we didn't get to see the bush, but I had that quote running thru my head the entire time we watched the video -- and let the record reflect -- it did look like it was filmed circa 1970. The video was pointless, though, along with the rest of the class.

We ended up spending the rest of the time going over terminology and listening to the teacher perform breathing exercises. I spent that entire exercise wondering how many of the women that actually take these classes take heed, and remember how to breathe during each of the different phases of labor....?? Anyone?? I have a feeling when I'm in the throes of phases I, II AND III -- that I'm going to be breathing however it is that I damn well please, and I can't imagine that we can spend much more time on this subject. As Chris Rock says, "Even roaches have kids!" -- he's right -- it can't be THAT hard, can it?

As you can see, this class was nothing too exciting -- but of course, I can find 6 pages of material to write about! I'll be sure to add details if and/or when they become more interesting. Until then, Happy Halloween and GO HORNS!!!!