10/27/2008 Boy Toys, Premature Tree Erection & Birthing Classes, OH MY!? Wait...WHAT?

So I was pleased and amused to receive the Toys 'R Us Big Book of Toys in this weekend's Sunday newspaper. I realized it's a good thing that I'm going to have a boy, as I enjoyed playing with boy toys when I was a kid more than I enjoyed playing with Barbies & My Little Ponies (NO, not "boy toys" in the sense YOU are thinking, sicko...boy toys, as in toys-for-boys, no doi!). I SO look forward to the day when Ryder gets his first set of Legos, Lincoln Logs, and train set, because we will spend COUNTLESS hours putting little worlds together! HOORAAAY FOR BOY TOYS!!! And by the way, is it socially acceptable for a mom to drive a Power Wheels Range Rover, or something of the like? I always wanted one of those, and MY parents never got me one, so if I get Ryder one, can I just drive his? That would save Daddy lots of money from having to buy me the real one I've so desired for eons....

In less fun, but more important news, I went in to see the doc last week, and he said the baby's head has "dropped," meaning his head is now down and ready for birthing. Even though I've been saying this since, like, week 26 (this is over 6 weeks ago...)....HE CAN BE HERE ANYTIME!? I'm like a ticking time bomb. I can go any minute. Though I know it's wrong, and maybe a little dimented, I can't help but hope that he comes sooner than later -- because the suspense of what he's going to be like is simply killing me! I just hope he gives me enough time to get the Christmas tree up, and enough time to complete my current To-Do List...otherwise, anytime is good!
Yeah, that's right, I SAID IT, I hope I can get my Christmas tree up. Kiss-my-ass-so-what?! For those of you that may not know me too well, I'm one of those that takes great pride in my Christmas tree -- and therefore -- you may consider me a premature tree-erector. I've also been known to be a premature e-jack-o-lantern, and the damn thing looks like orange mush by the time Halloween comes around. So for those inquiring minds, I'm waiting until mid-week to carve my pumpkin this year.... But for those of you that wait until after Thanksgiving to put up your Christmas trees, you're insane. As soon as the stores start putting out their Christmas decorations, it's perfectly fine for you to put up your Christmas tree and start celebrating! That way, it's Christmas for the entire latter part of the year! Plus this year, I have an excuse: I'm going to be too big come normal time to put up the tree -- so I don't want to go knocking off precious ornaments in hot pursuit of getting that perfect placement of that perfect ornament, now do I? It is of dire and precious importance that I have the house completely decorated in time for Christmas when the baby makes it home. And since we can expect his arrival any moment, it is only reasonable and prudent that I take charge, and do it NOW. For any dissenters, don't let the door hit ya where the Good Lord split ya...ya dig?
So today we begin our first round of birthing classes which should be quite entertaining and informative. Nothing excites me more than the thought of being in a room full of pregos, lying on their backs, breathing deliberately while their husbands/partners kneel in vain behind them with those helpless-helpful looks on their faces. I'm sure I can look forward to hearing every stankin' woman's story about how they got to where they are today, and about how her symptoms were different from the next woman's...meanwhile, the men discuss their experiences with said women, and chart different routes to the various local hospitals. If there's one thing I can count on, though, it's that Raymond will take full advantage of any limelight, and make this experience one worth laughing over. I can't think of a single person I'd rather be going thru birthing class with than him...nut.

I am in no way excited about this event, though one would not be able to tell by the way I've successfully put myself together today. I plucked my eyebrows last night for the first time...in a long time. This morning in the shower, I shaved for the first time since [what feels like] conception (and for those inquiring minds: yes, that means I shaved in all the important areas). I plan to put on makeup and actually fix my hair, too. AND, just when I think that hell might have frozen over and I may have completely lost my mind, I also put on blue jeans! Monday said GOODBYE to the cotton sweatsuit that I've worn on a daily basis in recent months, and it shall be reborn on Tuesday, after a trip to the washer! Since I have no idea what this class will entail, I can't go around making any assumptions, and I must come prepared! Any of you expectant or formerly expectant mommas can attest that you AND your mate can be put in some pretty UNEXPECTED and ever-compromising situations throughout the duration of a pregnancy. I wouldn't be shocked or amazed if the teacher prompted us to drop trou upon entry to the class so that each of us could inspect each other's bodies, and the inherent differences therein. Therefore it is of highest importance that I look perfectly coiffed, in the likelihood of such instance(s)...but from what I understand...that usually doesn't happen until class 2. So I should be good for another week, but'cha never know, right? But don't anyone go gettin' it twisted, I'm not excited about birthing classes...just simply don't want to be the stankiest lookin' prego in the room. That is all.

Well, I've spent enough time blogging for one morning. This rambling hot mess is on her way to pick up the Japanese grandma and take her to the grocery store. Maybe she'll even get a helping of grandma's fried rice goodness for her travels... One could be so lucky...!?